Saturday, October 30, 2010

With my last pregnancy, I watched birth videos and sought information voraciously. I ate it up. Could not get enough.

With this pregnancy, I watch a video and I'm filled with emotion and caught up in all the connotations. I am so emotionally connected to my last birth that I feel like I can't prepare for my next one. Maybe it's too soon? Maybe I should call Lady A.

I just can't let go of all the emotive memory of last time. How do you prepare for birth with so much memory? I had a great birth. I was healthy and strong and confident and my birth was perfect. Easy (as easy as can be anyway) and smooth. But it was still painful and it was still a lot of work and it was still a test that really pushed me.

Maybe that's what shocks me. I don't often feel like I'm pushing my own limits. I don't often feel truly tested. Maybe I need to start testing myself. Can I really do this or that or the other thing?

In Denver, I would push the limits of my independence regularly. I would take the bus all over town, I would search and seek out things I wanted to do that I'd never done before, I was strong and independent and confident. I rode that through my first birth. This time, I'm surrounded by a climate of fear and intimidation and uncontrollable elements.

Alaska, you do not seem to be good for my birthin' mind.


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