Right now I'm watching an old episode of 19 kids and counting - the one right after Josie is born at 25ish weeks. I've just realized that she is the size that my Amelia is now. And that if Amelia were to be born today, she'd be this size. This small, this helpless, this fragile. Fragile takes on a whole new meaning when you look at a baby that small.

Today I had a prenatal appointment and got to hear Amelia's heartbeat. It sounded so strong and so perfect. Like always, she protested the doppler. She really doesn't like it AT ALL. Poor kid. But she settled in after a minute and let us listen to her. She's strong, and healthy, and perfect.

To think that she could be born right now and survive is amazing. To think that she is capable of living outside of me is just astonishing. On the other hand, looking at how tiny she would be/is - I'm equally astonished. That she could be so small and still look like a person. With fingers and eyelashes and everything. I'm amazed. Really amazed.

Perfect Snow

At the end of the day, snow is falling very slowly past a streetlamp outside my kitchen window.

For about 45 minutes, we thought we'd been stood up for Thanksgiving. We started the day slowly; thanks to HHBC we didn't have much cleaning to do to get the place ready for company. Around noon I started cooking, slowly, and thawing some of the frozen goodies I'd set aside for today. Dinner was supposed to be at 4, and by 4:30 no one was here.

Last year, we had 5 friends over, and some of them brought guests. Nice and busy, but not too crowded. We really couldn't have handled too many more people without some uncomfortable chaos. This year, we didn't put the word out very early, and the roads have been horrible (like, record setting dangerous) so we weren't expecting a huge crowd, and we weren't sure how many people were going to try and venture out.

3 minutes before we were going to start calling people, friends came. Just two this year, and it was, again, perfect. With our little one being so active and interested (in EVERYthing), a bigger crowd would have been really hard to handle.

At the end of the day, I have a full belly, a warmed heart, an exhausted and sleeping baby, and a slightly buzzed husband. I'm sitting here not wanting to go to sleep simply because I'm not ready to let go of such a wonderful day. I'm not ready for it to end, so I'm staying awake.



I think I've had a revelation since I've been sitting here. Part of why my marriage has changed is because we no longer drink very often. We were never big drinkers, we didn't drink much or often, but we became accustomed to wine with certain meals and beer with certain others. So, maybe 5-6 times per month we'd have alcohol with dinner. We both get a little warm and touchy after a drink or two and wind up cuddling on the couch. I think once I got pregnant and that alcohol consumption decreased, our innocent touching decreased as well. Not intentionally, not purposefully, but I believe it did. Tonight as we cuddled on the couch I suddenly remembered how wonderful that used to be. I suppose I know what we're going to start working on! That physical intimacy is harder to come by with a toddler running around, but it's very important to maintaining a relationship.

Yes, I'll have to talk to the hubby about this tomorrow. Maybe we'll start some after baby bedtime regular activity so we can get this touching in more frequently. Yes, definitely.

Funny, my bible doesn't say that. . .

A friend from long ago posted a scripture as her facebook status yesterday:

"Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones;a spanking won’t kill them. http://read.ly/Prov23.13.MSG"

Funny, my bible doesn't say that. In my NIV, Proverbs 23:13 reads "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die."

Proverbs, a book of POETRY, written for young men, was never intended to be either a book of promises or law. As poetry, it is full of metaphors and symbols meant to help the reader bring his knowledge forth into wisdom. [Knowledge is the possession of facts, wisdom is the application of those facts.] Learning how to apply the rules of the law to your life is an art, and one that takes much practice and patience. Nowhere in Proverbs does the author use a word referencing children under 13(ish). Then there's the whole discussion of the rod - that one's been beaten almost to death I think (ha ha). But at the very least, if you are taking Proverbs literally, how would spanking your toddler with your hand on their butt be the same as using a staff across the back of a young teen? It isn't.

Also, let's look at Proverbs more closely. If we're taking individual Proverbs about 'fools' and 'folly' (which some have applied to children and their childishness) and trying to apply them to our lives, let's look at two right next to each other. Proverbs 26:4-5.

Proverbs 26:4 "Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself."
Proverbs 26:5 "Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes."

How could both answer and not answer a fool according to his folly? Would it depend on the situation? Would carrying out these instructions involve wisdom and discernment and an understanding of the situation and players involved? If a tired toddler has a meltdown, is the wiser approach to punish her or to get her the rest she needs? Do you need to engage in your own antics to prove your authority, or, as her parent, do you need to help her learn to care for herself and help her learn how to deal with her frustrations? You won't always be there to threaten punishment when she has to make a difficult decision. Your child needs to learn how to evaluate a situation and address the true problem - not just the obvious symptom. Taking an aspirin to cure a headache does nothing to address the dehydration that caused it in the first place. Many situations will arise for your child that need to be addressed in the same way. She will need to understand that in order to have a productive relationship with her husband or cow0rkers or children, she needs to eat well, get rest, and practice the Gospel daily. Threats of punishment don't teach any of those things. Proverbs 26:4 & 5 are trying to tell you to evaluation a situation and address the root cause. Whether you engage with the fool or not depends on the folly and the fool. Babies don't always get what they want, but sometimes what they want is a little joy to relive boredom. Or help getting to sleep. And those things, those things you can engage with. If you learn to listen to your children and understand what they're asking you for.

And clearly, as Godly parents, wouldn't we have higher expectations than simple survival for our children? Is my only responsibility to keep them still breathing when they turn 18? Seriously? I don't think so. Setting your bar for success at 'breathing and obedient' isn't doing anybody any favors. It's just allowing you to be lazy.


But, all of that doesn't fit in a FB comment to a status update. And it would only provoke heat in a discussion that has far too much already. I'll just continue raising my children with gentleness, love, and WISDOM; everyone else will do as they see fit.

Here's a quick outline

Since I left a link to this blog on a forum I really enjoy, I thought I'd post a little recap for anyone who's taken the effort to click the link.

So. I live in Fairbanks, Alaska. I moved here with my husband in June of 2009. My daughter was born in August of that year. This year, we found out that I'm pregnant with number 2! She is due to appear in March.

In February, my husband (who is a graduate creative writing student at the University of Alaska Fairbanks) has a HUGE comprehensive test. How he does on that test determines whether or not he stays in the program (and thus whether or not we made a ginormous mistake moving up here). Yep, I'm due to have our baby a few weeks later. Our older daughter will be 18 months old.

Phew. This is going to be a rough winter. Basically, we only get a few hours of twilight per day right now, and although that will start changing after the winter solstice, we will still be seeing a lot of dark when the babe is born. Husband will be busy, I'll be chasing a toddler, baby #2 will be trying to burst forth through my tightly stretched skin, and we won't even have sunlight to help our moods. Luckily, God will be even there.

If that sounds like a fun ride to read about, then stay tuned. I'll likely be posting more as I'm able to spend less time outside. 40 degrees below zero (Fahrenheit) is a great temperature for blogging.

hhbc

I've been working on my house lately. Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean.

And it looks great! Plus, Nanook is learning how to play by herself (at my feet) while I do dishes - added bonus. I was prepared to carry her in the Ergo, but I'm glad I don't have to.

The girls' first fight

Tonight as I was rocking Adelaide to sleep, Amelia staged a protest. Addie would relax, and then Amelia would kick. Amelia was kicking up into the top of my stomach and was connecting to where Adelaide's stomach rested on mine. So Amelia would kick, Adelaide would startle and throw out her arms and legs, then Adelaide would settle back in for a while only to have Amelia kick her again.

Ladies, oh ladies - this is the first step down a very long, hard road.

Beautiful :)

Sitting here sipping hot chocolate, watching kids and their dad on the sledding hill. I can hear Nanook snoring over the monitor, my bathroom is clean, my kitchen floor is clean, my upstairs is all clean (!!!), and my husband will be home any minute.

Sometimes life is really good.

cause for joy

126 videos that I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to get off my camera are finally on my computer. PTL! I am so excited!

*happy dance*

You Tell Me

I make a statement about my commitment to be a gentle, non-spanking parent/family or to never let my daughter cry, alone, to sleep.

You say "Just wait - once baby #2 comes along you'll change your mind."
Or "Once you get tired of being a martyr you'll be singing a different tune."

Shouldn't I be able to depend on my sisters in Christ for support in my morals and ideals? Shouldn't a friend be someone that will help me when I'm struggling? Help me to do the right thing not to give in to an easier, more tempting option?

The ideals I hold to may be different than yours, but they do not in any way conflict with the bible. So how could you NOT help me? Is it because you don't want to see me struggle? Because you don't want to see me work hard for something that is more than adequate? Would it be better for me to try less, work less hard, and achieve only an average or minimal goal?

From my perspective, giving in isn't minimal - it's far less than enough. Letting my daughter cry it out tonight would be an affront to the way I want to parent. Doing something that I KNOW jeopardizes her brain chemistry and future sleep patterns because I don't feel like working hard is not good enough. It's not ok. My bar is set much, much higher.

I don't think I'm better than you. I don't think that you're failing. I think we've committed to different ideals. Obviously, I think my ideals are, well, ideal. Why would I (we) have chosen and committed to them if I thought there was a better option? Most parents want to take care of their children according to the best way they know. Not many people begin with a lesser goal.

And accepting failure isn't OK. Maybe that's my real problem. I suppose I'm just more stubborn than most. I'm going to work harder, and persevere longer. I just will. Again, not because I'm better than you, but because it's who I am. I have come a long, long way. And I do not plan on forgetting all that I've learned.

Attachment matters. Attachment to people, to ideals and goals, to relationships and to your commitments. I've committed to this child, and to my ideals as a parent, and I could no sooner abandon my intentions to do my best than I could my daughter herself. I've grown attached to her, and I've grown attached to doing what's best for her. Including the hard things.

Breastfeeding wasn't easy. It was never easy. But I wouldn't just stop. I wouldn't just shrug my shoulders and give her something I know will put her at so many more risks. I worked. I researched. I studied. I networked. I asked around. And I found what I needed. And I fed my daughter.

Her sleep will be handled no differently. Had I listened to you when you first started telling me about letting her cry at night she'd probably still be experiencing miserable pain all night. I wouldn't have known to take her off dairy because I wouldn't have known what was happening with her. I couldn't have known what she was going through without staying up with her, focusing on her, listening to her. I couldn't have known that she had so much tummy pain if I hadn't been lying with her night after night watching her move and struggle.

Had I not addressed the underlying cause she would be at risk for serious problems later in life. Not to mention misery every single night even now.

No, I don't think the easier way is the better way. I don't think that doing less is justified by more responsibility. I don't agree that any parent who's been a parent longer than I or to more children than I inherently knows what's better. For my family or for any family.

So please, just support me. If you can't do that, say nothing at all. But don't undermine me. That does not sound Christ-like to me.

With my last pregnancy, I watched birth videos and sought information voraciously. I ate it up. Could not get enough.

With this pregnancy, I watch a video and I'm filled with emotion and caught up in all the connotations. I am so emotionally connected to my last birth that I feel like I can't prepare for my next one. Maybe it's too soon? Maybe I should call Lady A.

I just can't let go of all the emotive memory of last time. How do you prepare for birth with so much memory? I had a great birth. I was healthy and strong and confident and my birth was perfect. Easy (as easy as can be anyway) and smooth. But it was still painful and it was still a lot of work and it was still a test that really pushed me.

Maybe that's what shocks me. I don't often feel like I'm pushing my own limits. I don't often feel truly tested. Maybe I need to start testing myself. Can I really do this or that or the other thing?

In Denver, I would push the limits of my independence regularly. I would take the bus all over town, I would search and seek out things I wanted to do that I'd never done before, I was strong and independent and confident. I rode that through my first birth. This time, I'm surrounded by a climate of fear and intimidation and uncontrollable elements.

Alaska, you do not seem to be good for my birthin' mind.

A new schedule

Daily:
dishes (clean sink at bedtime!)
load of laundry
clean kitchen floor
tidy toys downstairs
tidy toys upstairs
clean highchair

Sunday:
10 - church
12 - Hubby's study group
vacuum upstairs
tidy our bedroom

Monday:
6 - Hubby's class
groceries
clean Adelaide's room

Tuesday:
9 - Hubby's on campus
baking/cooking projects
baby bath

Wednesday:
2 - Hubby's class
clean kitchen

Thursday:
9 - Hubby's on campus
take pictures

Friday:
5:30 - book club/playgroup
clean bathroom

Saturday:
baby bath
vacuum upstairs
tidy our bedroom

Laundry:
Adult clothes
Adult clothes
Baby clothes
Baby clothes
Towels/kitchen stuff
Shower curtain
Bedding
Diapers
Diapers
Diapers

Matthew 5: 38-42

38 "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'

39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

40 And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.

41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.

42 Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.

work, work?, work!

Genesis 16:9 The angel of the LORD said to her, "Return to your mistress and submit to her."

So, I have this great new job. Very rewarding, both emotionally and financially. I feel very blessed to have gotten this job in this economy. But when my employers found out I am pregnant, their attitude completely changed. They are not happy with me.

One boss has told me (several times) that she simply doesn't believe anyone can work and take care of two small children. I've tried explaining that millions of moms do this every day, that many of her own clients do this, and she just seems to think it's hogwash. The other boss is concerned about maternity leave. I've told her what I think will work and based my expectations entirely on what other people have previously done. None of those options were acceptable.

Apparently, the only acceptable option is full time, shortly after birth. I'm to get back with them next week with a number of how many weeks I want. Without a transition period of part time, I have no idea how many weeks I want. I can't imagine going back full time at 6 weeks, but I'll go plum crazy staying home for 12. I could randomly pick something in the middle, but I'm much less optimistic about no-work-then-full-time going well. Originally I was hoping I could stay home until my husband finished school for the year, then work part time until he went back in the fall. Then, when I went full time and the kiddo started day care, he or she would be about 6 months old. I really thought that seemed reasonable.

There is talk of a new option. One that is being investigated and may really help me out. But I need to give them numbers. I need to decide exactly what I want. And I have no idea how to do that.

I keep thinking the above verse should be telling me something. It really, really jumped out today. The simplest interpretation would be that I am to accept what they offer and keep working the job I've been placed in. God is rarely that straightforward. And I am no slave, neither are my bosses any sort of mistresses. Maybe I just need to suck it up and give them some numbers? Eek!

New plan!

I may or may not keep up with my other ideas for this blog. But today I am adding something new. My physical prayer and bible study journal is filling up, and I think I'm going to try keeping all those thoughts here from now on. I'm going to start reading the bible on a website, so an online journal to go with it might work just fine. Plus, this way I can be accountable in a way that I haven't been before. I may even find a real live person to check on me! Eek!

"Don't worry about what other people think- they don't do it very often."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

"All children behave as well as they are treated." -Jan Hunt

"Christianity started out in Palestine as a fellowship. Then it moved to Greece and became a philosophy, then it went to Rome and became an institution, and then it went to Europe and became a government. Finally it came to America where we made it an enterprise." -Richard Halverson, while he was US Senate Chaplain

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic." -Dave Barry

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction." -Blaise Pascal

"Preach the gospel at all times -- If necessary, use words." - Saint Francis of Assisi

"Saints as a rule, know a great deal more of the Bible than they know of Christ." -J. B. S.

“I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man’s mind into a habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God.” -Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

"Why, then, is there so much unfreedom in religious circles today? The sad truth is that many Christians fear the responsibility of being free. It's often easier to let others make the decisions or to rely exclusively on the letter of the law. Some men and women want to be slaves." -Brennan Manning in The Wisdom of Tenderness

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -Aristotle

"In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity." -Augustine

"The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. Just move to the side and live differently." -St. Francis

"When sinful, broken, hurting people are pleasantly surprised at how accepting we are, and religious people are outraged at how accepting we are, there is a good chance we're starting to live like Jesus." - Bruxy Cavey, in The End of Religion

"There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread." -Charles Dickens

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it." - Ellen Goodman

"It is a mistake to look to the Bible to close a discussion; the Bible seeks to open one." -William Sloane Coffin

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.” -Mark Twain

"[When our children] need discipline, we should give them the best example and the most effective way of guiding them to a place of understanding - spanking doesn't work on their heart and mind, just on their fear reaction. I am coming to see punitive parenting more and more as 'junk food for growing hearts'." - elcollins.

"What is more important? That I have a heartfelt connection with my child and am therefore able to influence them out of love, or that I am able to obtain obedience at all costs? Don’t make an idol out of obedience."

“Before becoming a mother I had a hundred theories on how to bring up children. Now I have seven children and only one theory: Love them, especially when they least deserve to be loved.” -Kate Samperi

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The Good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; go good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you have anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway. "-Mother Teresa

"In the midst of an unbearable Winter, I found in me an invincible Summer." - Albert Camus

Mother Ease One Size Fitteds

Vocabulary:
One Size: Diapers that have vertical rows of snaps that allow the rise of the diaper to be adjusted as the baby grows.
Fitteds: An absorbent piece designed to fit like a diaper without requiring folding, pinning, or twisting. These require a waterproof cover.

These are my husbands favorite diaper. They are not mine.
Pros:

• trimmer than prefolds
  
• absorbent (terry cloth sucks everything up like a bath towel)
• adjustable (both width and height actually accommodate a good range of sizes)
• they really never wear out (mine are on their third baby bum (that I know of) and show no signs of wear. These diapers are seriously made to last
• very rookie friendly

Cons:

• they didn't go small enough even for my 9 lb newborn, they fit her when she was around 13 lbs
• the terry cloth isn't very soft (granted, mine are very used. maybe it's better new?)
• on its widest setting, a second set of snaps rest against the baby's skin in a way that looks uncomfortable to me
• 4 of my diapers had snaps deform in the dryer. they melted a bit and are now sharp on the side that would be laying against my daughter's skin.
  
• They are not trim in the front. Nanook's diaper cover is like an inch from her skin. She looks like she has a beer belly from this diaper.

The husband loves these diapers, probably because they're easy and quick to use. I do like that she can wear them without a snappi when she's going cover less and I like that we've NEVER had a leak. I paid $40 for 16 of them plus 8 doublers, and I think I got a great deal. At $11.95 each new, I don't know if we'll get more for the new babe or not.

DUUUUDE

Some people should not be facebook friends. Seriously. If you only sign on to criticize, then I might just prune you.